Breathe

I spent the weekend gnawing around the edges of my novel. Several snippets of ideas found their way into Evernote, none of them spectacular, but all grist for the proverbial mill. My plan had been to be looking at a more or less complete story board by Friday last week. By mid-morning on Friday I had actually been in good spirits: the fractured scenes I’ve been working on for months all meshed together and I could hold in my head a story line which pretty much works.

But something happened.

I began to realize that I wasn’t happy. That familiar "yes, but" crowded in. As my eyes scanned the neatly ordered progression of cards I could see the chaotic rot peeking out from behind them. That sick, discordant feeling grew. I'm not there yet. My story doesn't quite track.

It hit me again how emotional the writing process is. At the point that I became conscious of my unease it was hard not to panic. Not again, my mind whined. Could all this work on ruthlessly refining my ideas have actually led me full circle back to a point of being hopelessly overwhelmed with plot points and motivations that don’t quite fit together? It’s hard at that point not to just shut the computer down and walk away.

But I didn’t! Instead of panicking and skulking to the kitchen in a frustration fueled carb frenzy I sat back and looked again, forcing myself to see calmly. Yes, I was disappointed in my story for valid reasons but I immediately saw that at the same time I HAVE come a long way and that my week was well spent after all. The plot has holes. The characters’ motivations are still opaque at times and I’ve worked and reworked the middle so much that it has become muddy. Further ruthlessness will absolutely be required. At the same time, there's good in there; a lot of good, actually. My villain is truly villainous. My hero is relatable. Most importantly, I feel that the universe I've built is fun and reflects me. There are twists and beats and unexpected collisions for which I'm beginning to feel genuine pride and ownership. All that has to be good!

What really struck me as my working week wound to a close was that pulling myself out of that hole was every bit an emotional challenge as an intellectual one. I had to force myself to remember that moments of disappointment are just part of the creative process. It is OK that I can see that my efforts haven’t led to a perfectly stitched up and compelling story. It is OK that this is an effort for me and that I’m still reaching and learning. Not to sound too self congratulatory but this moment felt like growth for me as a writer.

These realizations percolating I sat back and realized what I need to do next. My plot is close now and gratifyingly, the large amount of material I have tucked away in my notes conforms neatly to the major story beats I know I need to hit. What I need now is crispness. I need clarity at key parts in the story on what needs to have been established:

* what do the characters need to have worked out?
* what does the reader need to be aware of?
* what presents itself as the next challenge the main characters need to overcome in order to move forward?
* what is the emotional state of the key characters at this point in the tale?

So, I will return to my ever expanding story board and at key points, I’ll insert a green card which neatly summarizes where I need to be. Armed with this clarity I hope to go back and further refine each scene. If I can have this done by mid week I think I’ll be in a really strong position to resume my writing process.

I also feel a little more durable to disappointment. It will happen. This is part of this. Breathe.